Saturday, June 13, 2009 aware.

This was actually written the afternoon of Monday, June 15, 2009. The post options have been changed to help anyone reading chronologically.

I contemplated not writing anything about where I've been/what I've been doing/why you should care/etc. and just picking this blog back up like I hadn't abandoned it for the past four months after promising myself (and Vineeta) to post daily for the month of March. I also contemplated my navel, but that is way less relevant right now.

I always try to look at situations from both sides when I'm faced with some sort of conflict. In this case, I thought long and hard about how I would feel if a blogger I visited daily abandoned me for months, only to reappear out of the blue one day as if nothing had ever happened. Please indulge me in the thought that there WAS even someone feeling abandoned, much less anyone who visited me daily (!)... at times I like to live in a Stina-centric world! That's when I knew some sort of explanation would at least be thoughtful of me, if not necessary.

In this case, too, I had to debate myself over whether the posts you'll find here labeled "Rehab" belonged on this blog, or my personal blog (which has been abandoned WAY longer than four months). In the end I decided that unless I share my inspirations, as well as my struggles, I wasn't being genuine to my creative self, or to you in YOUR journey.

Here's how things boil down. I have been in a really yucky place for a really long time. It started with losing not just *a* best friend, but all THREE of my best friends at the same time. That was followed by all of the joys I talked about here. My health continued to suffer, I couldn't find my muse despite looking for her EVERYWHERE, and I continued to feel like life was a struggle on all fronts... personal, artistic and social.

Sometimes you need to get away from the day-to-day. Sometimes you need to take inventory. Sometimes you need to be selfish. It's not easy. Trust me. Sometimes things aren't easy, though. You have to do them anyway.

I have left my husband, son and pets behind, placed myself on a Facebook hiatus (which is why these posts all have titles paying homage to my favorite online waste-of-time), and traveled about five hours south, all by myself, on a quest to find my center again. I had no idea how hard it would be to be alone. I almost bought a fish at a pet store yesterday just so I would have someone to talk to! That's when I realized another important lesson. Sometimes you need silence.

So no, I'm not at some rehab center because my family or law enforcement forced me into due to some alcohol or drug abuse problem. I drove myself to a beachfront condo to find peace and meaning. I'm having my own intervention. I'm worth saving, and I deserve to live a joyous, purposeful and succulent life. I want ME back. I'm worth fighting for.

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